Ashish Kumar Singh
Self-Portrait As A Survivalist
By profession,
I’m nothing. When I was young,
mother said, be whatever you want,
but what was in her mind,
she did not tell, only
it should keep you safe.
So, I choose to become an impostor.
On the playground,
I tried to be them, the certified boys,
would mirror their movements
as shadow does to a body.
In the classroom,
I sat with my thighs set wide apart
and joked in a language
I heard them use. But, a lie is a lie
and a shadow a mere deceit.
A giggle and the mirror shatters.
Once, as a punishment,
the sport's teacher refused
to let us play and we sat in a circle,
determined to kill time,
when a boy said,
you sometimes act like a girl
and I knew I’d fail in my endeavour.
Imagine, years of dedication
turned to ruin. Oh mother,
nothing in this world is without teeth
and how foolish it was to believe
a shadow could desire to be
the whole body.
Since then all I wanted was to be
called grown, to know
I survived the worst. After all,
what is survival if not breath
after breath after breath.
By profession,
I’m nothing. When I was young,
mother said, be whatever you want,
but what was in her mind,
she did not tell, only
it should keep you safe.
So, I choose to become an impostor.
On the playground,
I tried to be them, the certified boys,
would mirror their movements
as shadow does to a body.
In the classroom,
I sat with my thighs set wide apart
and joked in a language
I heard them use. But, a lie is a lie
and a shadow a mere deceit.
A giggle and the mirror shatters.
Once, as a punishment,
the sport's teacher refused
to let us play and we sat in a circle,
determined to kill time,
when a boy said,
you sometimes act like a girl
and I knew I’d fail in my endeavour.
Imagine, years of dedication
turned to ruin. Oh mother,
nothing in this world is without teeth
and how foolish it was to believe
a shadow could desire to be
the whole body.
Since then all I wanted was to be
called grown, to know
I survived the worst. After all,
what is survival if not breath
after breath after breath.
--
Ashish Kumar Singh (he/him) is a queer poet from India with a Master’s degree in English Literature. His works have appeared- or are forthcoming- in Passages North, Chestnut Review, Fourteen Poems, Foglifter Press, Banshee and elsewhere. Currently, he serves as an editorial assistant at Visual Verse and reads poetry submissions for ANMLY.
Ashish Kumar Singh (he/him) is a queer poet from India with a Master’s degree in English Literature. His works have appeared- or are forthcoming- in Passages North, Chestnut Review, Fourteen Poems, Foglifter Press, Banshee and elsewhere. Currently, he serves as an editorial assistant at Visual Verse and reads poetry submissions for ANMLY.